Absent and insufficient RAi triggers violence at work, in the community, and at home.
It was a quiet Sunday morning when the phone rang, and my daughter Emily’s panicked voice came through the line. “Dad, I need your help. Things with Evan have been getting terrible. His temper tantrums are out of control, and I don’t know what to do anymore.”
I could hear the desperation in her voice, and my heart sank. Emily had been so happy when she introduced Evan to the family several years ago. He seemed like a good guy – successful, charismatic, attentive to Emily’s needs. But over time, the cracks had started to show.
“Slow down, sweetheart. What’s been going on?” I asked, shifting in my chair to give her my full attention.
She described the increasing frequency of Evan’s angry outbursts – yelling, slamming doors, and even throwing objects when things didn’t go his way. “He just can’t handle any frustration or setback. And he takes it all out on me. I’m at my wit’s end, Dad.”
I took a deep breath, reflecting on some of the strategies we discussed. “Okay, Emily. Here’s what I think you should try…”
Have you heard of the concept of RAi?”
She furrowed her brow. “RAi? No, what’s that?”
“It stands for Recognition, Approval, and Importance or Power,” I explained. “These are three fundamental human needs that, when not met, can impact our emotions and behaviour in relationships.”
I went on to break down each component for her. “Recognition is about feeling seen and valued for who you are and what you do. Approval is about feeling accepted and supported, even when we make mistakes. And Importance is that sense that we matter, that our presence and contributions make a difference.”
My daughter listened intently, her eyes widening with understanding. “Wow, that resonates. I can see how Evan might be struggling with those things.”
“Exactly,” I said. “And when needs for recognition, approval and importance aren’t being met, it can manifest in all sorts of ways – irritability, defensiveness, lashing out. If it continues long enough and becomes frustrating enough, instinct views the situation as life and death and implements extreme emotions and behaviour to defend and feel safe.”
I leaned forward, placing my hand over hers. “The good news is, there are ways to proactively manage and nurture RAi, both for ourselves and for our partners. It’s all about being intentional and attuned to each other’s needs.”
I explained how she could start by focusing on her own RAi – making sure she took the time to recognise her achievements, approve her choices, and remind herself of her importance.
How to Generate RAi for Yourself:
- Self-Recognition: Acknowledge your achievements and efforts.
- Self-Approval: Accept and approve of your choices and who you are.
- Self-Importance: Remind yourself of your worth and your positive impact on others.
“And then you can start looking for ways to do the same for Evan. Compliment him, express genuine approval, and involve him in decisions. Show him that he matters to you.”
How to Generate RAi For Others:
- Recognise: Acknowledge the efforts and presence of others through compliments, gratitude, and attention.
- Approve: Express genuine approval and support for others’ actions and choices.
- Make Important: Show others they matter by involving them in decisions, valuing their contributions, and showing empathy.
Managing RAi in Relationships:
- Monitor Sensitivities: Track how often you need RAi and how it fluctuates.
- Top-up RAi: Look for opportunities to self-generate RAi and shine it on your partner or others around you.
- Communication: Discuss each other’s recognition, approval and importance needs with your partner or close ones to ensure mutual support and understanding.
Understanding and nurturing RAi can improve relationships, enhance personal satisfaction, and better navigate social dynamics.
My daughter nodded slowly, the gears visibly turning in her mind. “I can see how that could make a real difference. It’s about creating that mutual understanding and support, isn’t it?”
“Exactly,” I replied. “When both people feel seen, accepted, and valued, it creates a foundation of trust and security that can weather even the toughest storms.”
She leaned back in her chair, a contemplative look on her face. “Thank you, Dad. This gives me a lot to think about. I will try putting some of these RAi principles into practice and see if it helps improve things with Evan.”
I walked her through the steps—building self-awareness around recognition, approval, and Importance, keeping a journal to identify patterns, and setting more realistic expectations. “The key is helping him develop better-coping mechanisms rather than just letting the anger boil over.”
cPR (Psychological Resuscitation) is a technique designed to manage distressing emotions and moderate extreme reactions created by inadequate RAi:
- Calm Frustration (small c):
- Objective: Achieve a state of relative calm to prevent instinctive emotional overreactions.
- Technique: Use movement, distraction, or other calming activities to reduce immediate physical and emotional tension.
- Perspective on the laws of nature:
- Objective: Understand and reassess the situation by exploring the needs for Recognition, Approval, and Importance (RAi).
- Technique: Ask yourself questions to identify recognition, approval and importance needs and compare them with reality. Assess if automatic emotional reactions are triggered by frustration and are distorting your perspective.
- Restoration of the balance of instinctive needs:
- Objective: Take deliberate actions to restore your sense of RAi.
- Technique: Engage in activities or behaviours that affirm you, your recognition, approval, and Importance. This can involve self-recognition, seeking support from others, or making constructive changes.
Following these steps, cPR helps you moderate the intensity of emotional reactions, gain perspective, and restore your psychological well-being.
“But what if he refuses to change? I can’t keep living like this,” she said, her voice wavering.
“Then you may need to have a candid conversation about whether this relationship’s sustainable long-term.” It pained me to say it, but I knew I had to be direct. “His inability to manage his emotions is not your responsibility to fix. You deserve to be in a healthy, supportive partnership.”
There was a long pause. “I was afraid you’d say that,” she admitted. “I love him, Dad. But I’m so tired of the drama and walking on eggshells.”
Humans of any age need recognition; they strive for attention.
They need approval; they strive for compliments.
They need to feel important; they strive for power.
The degree to which these needs are unmet determines the eventual probability of violence. Not meeting the requirements of human nature to feel safe will sooner or later cause excessive frustration and provoke violent acting out.