There can be no excuse, only specific, unavoidable accountability for domestic violence.
Understanding its origins is essential to implement effective measures to lower domestic violence. We need to know what triggers our frustration and how to prevent its escalation to violence. We must acknowledge human nature, accept rather than deny or attempt to change it, and learn how to influence it.
Love in a relationship can deteriorate into war due to unmet needs for attention, validation, approval, and importance. Instincts create these needs and frustration and dissatisfaction increase when they are unmet. If attempts to restore the relationship fail, couples often shift into survival mode, leading to blame, counter-blame, and emotional battles.
Key Triggers:
- Unmet Emotional Needs: Lack of recognition, appreciation and importance.
- Comparisonitis: Negative comparisons of present treatment of partner to past treatment that lead to feelings of neglect. They have changed; they don’t love me anymore.
- Life Stressors: Outside events of RAi abuse distract from the relationship, causing disconnection. RAi abuse is the deliberate actions of others to ignore, disapprove, or bully. RAi abuse can be a feature of some work environments. When partners come home from a work day full of frustration and anger, they “kick the cat”.
Key Management Strategies:
- Communication: Actively listen and validate each other’s feelings.
- Self-reflection: Understand and manage one’s frustrations and unconscious expectations. Reflect on your needs for recognition, approval, and importance. Are they being met?
- Love as Action: To restore and maintain the relationship, focus on loving actions rather than just feelings.
Understanding and addressing these instinctive responses can help manage and mitigate conflicts, turning potential wars back into love.
The transformation of love into conflict in a relationship often stems from unmet emotional needs and instinctual responses. This shift can be catalyzed by several key factors:
Key Factors Leading to Conflict:
- Unmet Needs for RAi (Recognition, Approval, Importance):
- Recognition: Feeling unseen or unappreciated.
- Approval: Lacking positive reinforcement or compliments.
- Importance: Feeling undervalued or insignificant.
- Frustration and the More-on Zone:
- Frustration builds up when emotional needs are unmet, pushing individuals into the More-on Zone, where irrational behaviour and negativity escalate.
- Comparisonitis:
- Unfavourable comparisons with others or past expectations lead to feelings of neglect and resentment.
- Life Stressors and Distractions:
- External stressors, such as work issues or personal challenges, can divert attention away from the relationship and cause disconnection.
- Betrayal or Critical Events:
- Singular events like betrayal can shatter the emotional connection instantly.
- Repeated Failures to Maintain RAi:
- Ongoing inability to generate and retain RAi leads to chronic dissatisfaction and emotional distance.
Transformation Process:
- Initial Unmet Needs: One partner starts feeling unnoticed or unappreciated, leading to frustration.
- More-on Zone Entry: Frustration grows, leading to more negative interactions and irrational behaviour.
- Defensive Reactions: Defensive responses and counter-blame escalate the conflict.
- Increased Negativity: Continuous hostile exchanges reduce RAi further, widening the emotional gap.
- Instinctive Survival Mode: Both partners go into survival mode, focusing on self-preservation rather than mutual support.
- Emotional Battles: Frustration reaches a peak, resulting in frequent and intense conflicts.
Managing the Shift:
- Communicate Openly: Address and validate each other’s emotional needs – for recognition, approval and influence.
- Calm Frustration: Engage in activities to reduce frustration and bring a sense of calm.
- Focus on Loving Actions: Treat love as a doing thing, and through love, create actions to rebuild RAi.
By understanding these underlying factors and the automatic responses, couples can work towards preventing love from turning into conflict and instead foster a healthy, supportive relationship.
The More-on Zone
The More-on Zone is when individuals are overwhelmed by intense emotions, such as frustration or anger, leading to irrational and instinct-driven behaviour. It’s named to highlight the fact that while we may feel or act foolishly in this state, we are not morons; we simply lose our ability to manage our emotions and actions effectively.
Key Aspects:
- Emotional Overload:
- Intense feelings of frustration or agitation push us beyond our coping capacity.
- Survival Instinct:
- Fight-or-flight responses take over, focusing on immediate survival rather than long-term logic and values.
- Tunnel Vision:
- A narrow focus on perceived threats or excitement causes us to ignore common sense, others’ feelings, and broader perspectives.
Entering the More-on Zone:
- Frustration Tank: Each individual has a ‘frustration tank’ that fills with negative emotions from comparisonitis and catastrophizing. Beyond a certain level, logical thought is overridden by automatic reactions.
- Triggers: Significant life stressors, unmet emotional needs, and ongoing dissatisfaction in relationships can quickly fill this tank and push a person into the More-on Zone.
Managing the More-on Zone:
- Calm the Initial Frustration: Reduce emotional intensity through calming techniques (e.g., deep breathing, a physical activity. listening to music, counting backwards, mindfulness).
- Change Perspective: Recognize that your strong feelings are amplified by comparisonitis and catastrophizing, not just the situation itself.
- Regulate Emotions: Use emotional regulation strategies to lower frustration and stay out of the More-on Zone.
You can better control your emotions and behaviours by recognizing and managing the triggers and responses that lead to the More-on Zone.
Emotional regulation strategies help manage and adjust the intensity and duration of emotional states. Here are some effective methods to help keep your emotions in check:
Mindfulness and Meditation:
- Mindfulness: Practice staying present in the moment without judgment. Acknowledge your feelings without acting on them immediately.
- Meditation: Engage in daily meditation to build emotional resilience and reduce stress.
Physical Activity:
- Exercise: Regular exercise helps release pent-up energy and reduces emotional intensity.
- Movement: Simple activities like walking or stretching can immediately relieve intense feelings.
Cognitive Restructuring:
- Challenge Negative Thoughts: Examine and counter irrational thoughts and beliefs contributing to your emotional state.
- Perspective-Taking: Consider the situation from different viewpoints to gain a balanced perspective.
Breathing Techniques:
- Deep Breathing: Practice deep, slow breaths to calm your nervous system and lower emotional arousal.
- Box Breathing: Inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, and hold again for four.
Distraction:
- Engage in Activities: Shift your focus to engaging activities that you enjoy or find relaxing.
- Mental Distraction: Count backwards from a large number or focus on a complex problem to divert your attention.
Social Support:
- Talk to Someone: Share your feelings with a trusted friend or family member who can offer support and perspective.
- Seek Professional Help: Consult a mental health professional for additional strategies and support if necessary.
Self-Compassion:
- Be Kind to Yourself: Treat yourself with the kindness you would offer a friend. Acknowledge that feeling emotions is a natural part of being human.
- Affirmations: Use positive self-talk to reinforce your self-worth and capabilities.
Emotion Labeling:
- Name Your Emotions: Identifying and labelling your emotions can help you distance yourself from them and manage them more effectively.
- Journaling: Write about your feelings to process and understand them better.
Problem Solving:
- Identify the Cause: Figure out what is triggering your emotion and address the root of the problem.
- Develop a Plan: Create actionable steps to resolve the issue causing distress.
Relaxation Techniques:
- Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tense and then relax different muscle groups to reduce physical tension.
- Visualization: Imagine a peaceful scene to create a sense of calm and relaxation.
Implementation Tips:
- Practice Regularly: These strategies are most effective when practised consistently, not just during moments of crisis.
- Combine Techniques: Use multiple strategies together for a more comprehensive approach to emotional regulation.
By incorporating these strategies into your daily routine, you can better manage your emotions and navigate life’s challenges more calmly and effectively.