Do you know what’s been on my mind lately? How sensitive can we be to the opinions of others, and how easily can we be hurt and manipulated by words? It’s wild when you think about it! The laws of human nature play such a huge role in how our feelings influence our thoughts and actions.
We all have survival instincts that drive us, like the need for recognition, approval, and importance. These needs are wired into us and can sometimes lead us down paths we didn’t intend to take. Recognizing this helps us navigate our emotions better and stay true to ourselves. What do you think? Have you ever felt swayed by others’ comments? Let’s chat about it!
These needs exist at birth as part of our survival instinct. Satisfying these needs is an evolutionary adaptation to ensure our place and safety within a group. An infant cries to get attention discovers ways to gain approval and acts without any awareness of consequences to achieve importance or power. These three crucial needs can be summarized as RAi – recognition, approval and importance or power.
Inconsistent or erratic reactions from caregivers can lead to inadequate RAi development in a child. This creates uncertainty in their expectations and can cause stress in similar situations later in life. An example is when a child doesn’t consistently receive recognition for their efforts, leading them to doubt their value or abilities and potentially stunting self-esteem growth. Another example is if a child’s achievements are regularly overlooked or diminished, they might feel unimportant, impacting their confidence and motivation.
Parents can ensure this doesn’t happen by consistently acknowledging and valuing their child’s efforts, offering positive reinforcement, and fostering open communication to provide a sense of safety and importance. If parents don’t do this enough, a child might feel undervalued and unnoticed, leading to low self-esteem, insecurity, and a persistent need for external validation as they grow.
As they grow, children who feel undervalued may seek approval, recognition and importance (RAi) from outside sources, such as peers or social media, to fill the gap left by a lack of parental acknowledgement.
You may have noticed that this blog website has an AI chatbot attached. You can access it using the icon at the bottom right of your screen. It’s there to give you perspective based on my understanding of the laws of human nature. I have used it in this post to illustrate how it could be used.
The chatbot was asked the following questions, and the answers it provided have been copied into the post.
So if a child isn’t valued enough by their parents, they seek RAi elsewhere?
Yes, that’s correct. A child will naturally seek recognition, approval, and importance (RAi) from other sources if they don’t receive it adequately from their parents.
Do parents pass off their responsibility to spend time with their children by giving them smartphones, tablets and computers?
Sometimes, parents might unintentionally use devices as substitutes for interaction, detracting from meaningful engagement and connection with their children.
However, while technology can provide immediate and widespread attention, parental RAi is uniquely valuable due to its genuine care and personal connection, which technology cannot replicate. Prioritizing quality time and engagement can outweigh the superficial validation from devices.
So, how much time should parents be focused on providing RAi to their children?
There’s no set amount of time, but it’s crucial for parents to regularly invest in focused, quality interactions tailored to their child’s needs, ensuring the child feels noticed, approved and valued.
Ok, that’s all very well for young children, but what happens when they become teenagers and aren’t interested in their parent’s attention?
Teenagers may seek independence and peer affirmation during adolescence, but parental RAi remains important. Maintaining open communication, respecting their growing autonomy, and offering support can help balance their need for independence with parental connection.
How do open communication, respecting autonomy and providing support balance the teenager’s need for independence with parental connection?
Open communication lets teenagers express themselves and feel heard, respecting autonomy acknowledges their growing independence, and offering support ensures they know you’re there for them. These approaches create a trusting environment where teens can seek guidance while exploring their individuality.
What gets in the way of parents giving enough and consistent RAi?
Parental stress, time constraints, personal challenges, and focusing on their or others’ expectations (the “shoulds”) can hinder consistent RAi provision. Awareness of these factors and actively addressing them can help maintain a stable and supportive environment for their children.
What do you mean – the shoulds?
“The shoulds” are the unconscious expectations and beliefs about how things ought to be, which can create frustration and undermine one’s recognition, approval, and importance (RAi). By recognizing and challenging these “shoulds,” parents can minimize their impact and improve their interactions with their children.
How can parents do this?
Parents can recognize “shoulds” by reflecting on their expectations and frustrations. They can challenge these by reality-testing thoughts and embracing a more flexible perspective, focusing on what truly benefits the family rather than adhering to rigid assumptions.
How can you reality-test a thought?
Reality testing involves examining a thought critically. Identify the evidence for and against the thought and consider alternative perspectives. Ask yourself if the thought is based on facts or influenced by emotions. Replace unhelpful beliefs with more balanced and realistic ones.
As a parent, is it better to think about things I could or should do?
It’s generally more beneficial to focus on things you (and others, including your kids) could do, as this approach encourages flexibility, exploration of options, and adaptability to individual family needs rather than being restricted by rigid “shoulds.”
So, when a child becomes a teenager and then an adult, what are the main reasons why they are sensitive and vulnerable to manipulation by others’ attention?
Teenagers and adults remain sensitive to manipulation because of the innate need for recognition, approval, and importance (RAi). Social pressures, fear of rejection, and desire for belonging can make them reliant on external validation, leaving them open to manipulation.
Can internal validation of RAi reduce reliance on external validation?
Yes, internal validation can reduce reliance on external validation. Individuals strengthen their self-worth by cultivating self-recognition, self-approval, and self-importance, reducing vulnerability to external influences.
How does a person cultivate self-recognition, self-approval, and self-importance?
Cultivating self-recognition, self-approval, and self-importance involves:
- Self-Recognition: Acknowledging personal achievements and efforts regularly.
- Self-Approval: Accepting choices and embracing who you are without undue self-criticism.
- Self-Importance: Reminding oneself of one’s worth and positive impact on others.
Practising these regularly enhances internal validation.
How can parents help their children cultivate their self-recognition, self-approval and self-importance?
Parents can assist by modelling these behaviours:
- Encourage Self-Reflection: Help children identify and celebrate their achievements and efforts.
- Promote Self-Acceptance: Teach them to embrace their individuality and make choices confidently.
- Reinforce Their Worth: Involve them in decisions, value their opinions, and highlight their positive impact on others.
This guidance fosters their internal RAi growth.
Is there a correlation between inadequate RAi and aggression?
Yes, inadequate RAi can lead to aggression. Unmet needs for recognition, approval, and importance may manifest in irritability, defensiveness, or lashing out as individuals instinctively seek to restore their sense of security and value.
Is there a correlation between inadequate RAi and failure in life?
Inadequate RAi can contribute to dissatisfaction and low self-worth, potentially hindering motivation and achievement. This may lead to setbacks or perceived failures, but addressing RAi’s needs can help improve resilience and success.
Between now and when I make the next post, try using the chatbot to provide a “laws of human nature” perspective on anything related to social interaction.